Last night, Phil and I were discussing how our hearts have become tender to those suffering around us. I'll give you an example: While I didn't know John that well, Lila is one of those people that I would love to protect from all harm and John death has continually thrown me for a loop. It's been six months, and still when I think about it, tears come to my eyes. Every time that I hear of a death now, I not only think of the families, wives, children and friends, but my heart literally hurts inside.
Phil and I talked about being able to see the world through God's eyes, there are lyrics that say this better than I can:
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
I love the lines, "Show me how to love like you have loved me. Break my heart from what breaks yours."
But, lately I've really been thinking about this subject more than I have in recent years.
First, do I want my heart to break like God's does? There's definitely a part of me that wishes I could go on oblivious to the pain in this world. And most days, I could choose to. We live in a nice house, with nice cars, Phil and I love each other in a way that is rare these days and our biggest problem is paying for a wedding. Phil and I are definitely blessed. And why God continues to bless us so much I cannot fathom, but will remain thankful for his sustainment. There is definitely a part of me that wants to pursue the Consumerism religion. When I see that nice car, see the latest technology, and see that new and upcoming vacation destination that looks oh so tempting, I want to pursue these things. BUT. When it comes down to it, that's not where my heart is. At all. my heart is with Lila and with the other widows who are heart-broken because they've lost their soul mate. It's with those children who have been orphaned from diseases ravaging their continents. It's with that single mom who is struggling to make ends meet, the one who can't afford to get to the doctor and who only wants a healthy, happy baby. That's where my heart is, and while I've tried to fight it, when I'm where God wants me to be, that's when I'm happiest.
This is what makes being in medical school difficult. It's not the studying or the material. Mostly, it's because I want to be doing what I feel I was put on this earth to do, and while I know that medical school is a means to an end (an end that I've been striving for since before I began high school), it feels too "safe" for me most of the time.
Don't get me wrong, I love my life, I love my fiancé, and my dogs, and my house and the fact that I'll graduate without debt so that I am able to pursue whatever purpose I choose. BUT. I don't want to live my life burdened by "the daily grind".
I am in a state of waiting right now and waiting has never been my forté. I am waiting for marriage, waiting to be a doctor, waiting for kids and to be able to adopt our beautiful sons or daughters from overseas. I am waiting to travel as a doctor and be able to go to remote places and offer services that are rare. I am waiting for residency, waiting for my sister to move to Texas, waiting until I am reunited with my wonderful friends in Arizona, waiting for the day that I can return to India, or Africa, or Honduras, or Guatemala. Not just as a tourist, but with something to offer.
So, how do I reconcile the desires of my heart with the life that I am living right now? The christian life isn't supposed to be "safe", it's not supposed to be "routine". God gives us a chance at an adventure that is bigger than our minds can fathom. And yet. that's how I feel. Safe and routine.
I'm following a blog that I absolutely love called Pure and Lasting and I love it because it talks about these things. Here it is: http://pureandlasting.com
What does God want from us and from our lives?
From scripture, I have to glean that God wants our time, our hearts, and our "routines". He is constantly seeking the widowed, the orphaned, the stranger in a foreign land, the lost, and the broken. He constantly tells us to take care of these people and to leave behind some of what we have for them (Deut 24:17-22). He's the pursuer of the un-pursued, the lover of the unloved. His passion is revealing Himself and His glory, through His people. So I have to ask myself: How am I revealing that glory? Is it enough to be in medical school? Is it enough to sponsor a child in a foreign land? Or to give a little bit of our income here and there to the needy? While I am worried about my weight, my decorations at the wedding, what I'm going to cook for dinner... 30,000 children a day die from starvation and poverty related diseases. I don't know how to fix that, and how not to have my heart constantly broken thinking of those kids.
I cannot wait to ADOPT... but I have to
I cannot wait to be a DOCTOR... but I have to
I cannot wait to TRAVEL... but I have to
God put me here, in this time, for a reason, but I don't know why I must wait for so long, or what he wants me to do in the meantime. So, I'll wait. Begrudgingly. But wait just the same. All I can do is listen for his direction and pray these lyrics:
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
Phil and I talked about being able to see the world through God's eyes, there are lyrics that say this better than I can:
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
I love the lines, "Show me how to love like you have loved me. Break my heart from what breaks yours."
But, lately I've really been thinking about this subject more than I have in recent years.
First, do I want my heart to break like God's does? There's definitely a part of me that wishes I could go on oblivious to the pain in this world. And most days, I could choose to. We live in a nice house, with nice cars, Phil and I love each other in a way that is rare these days and our biggest problem is paying for a wedding. Phil and I are definitely blessed. And why God continues to bless us so much I cannot fathom, but will remain thankful for his sustainment. There is definitely a part of me that wants to pursue the Consumerism religion. When I see that nice car, see the latest technology, and see that new and upcoming vacation destination that looks oh so tempting, I want to pursue these things. BUT. When it comes down to it, that's not where my heart is. At all. my heart is with Lila and with the other widows who are heart-broken because they've lost their soul mate. It's with those children who have been orphaned from diseases ravaging their continents. It's with that single mom who is struggling to make ends meet, the one who can't afford to get to the doctor and who only wants a healthy, happy baby. That's where my heart is, and while I've tried to fight it, when I'm where God wants me to be, that's when I'm happiest.
This is what makes being in medical school difficult. It's not the studying or the material. Mostly, it's because I want to be doing what I feel I was put on this earth to do, and while I know that medical school is a means to an end (an end that I've been striving for since before I began high school), it feels too "safe" for me most of the time.
Don't get me wrong, I love my life, I love my fiancé, and my dogs, and my house and the fact that I'll graduate without debt so that I am able to pursue whatever purpose I choose. BUT. I don't want to live my life burdened by "the daily grind".
I am in a state of waiting right now and waiting has never been my forté. I am waiting for marriage, waiting to be a doctor, waiting for kids and to be able to adopt our beautiful sons or daughters from overseas. I am waiting to travel as a doctor and be able to go to remote places and offer services that are rare. I am waiting for residency, waiting for my sister to move to Texas, waiting until I am reunited with my wonderful friends in Arizona, waiting for the day that I can return to India, or Africa, or Honduras, or Guatemala. Not just as a tourist, but with something to offer.
So, how do I reconcile the desires of my heart with the life that I am living right now? The christian life isn't supposed to be "safe", it's not supposed to be "routine". God gives us a chance at an adventure that is bigger than our minds can fathom. And yet. that's how I feel. Safe and routine.
I'm following a blog that I absolutely love called Pure and Lasting and I love it because it talks about these things. Here it is: http://pureandlasting.com
What does God want from us and from our lives?
From scripture, I have to glean that God wants our time, our hearts, and our "routines". He is constantly seeking the widowed, the orphaned, the stranger in a foreign land, the lost, and the broken. He constantly tells us to take care of these people and to leave behind some of what we have for them (Deut 24:17-22). He's the pursuer of the un-pursued, the lover of the unloved. His passion is revealing Himself and His glory, through His people. So I have to ask myself: How am I revealing that glory? Is it enough to be in medical school? Is it enough to sponsor a child in a foreign land? Or to give a little bit of our income here and there to the needy? While I am worried about my weight, my decorations at the wedding, what I'm going to cook for dinner... 30,000 children a day die from starvation and poverty related diseases. I don't know how to fix that, and how not to have my heart constantly broken thinking of those kids.
I cannot wait to ADOPT... but I have to
I cannot wait to be a DOCTOR... but I have to
I cannot wait to TRAVEL... but I have to
God put me here, in this time, for a reason, but I don't know why I must wait for so long, or what he wants me to do in the meantime. So, I'll wait. Begrudgingly. But wait just the same. All I can do is listen for his direction and pray these lyrics:
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
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