My friends...

So, I've called a lot of people lately to get advice from them on one situation or another and was thinking about the people I call first and what they have in common.

Me, Lana, and Cristu on vaca in Dubai :)

Ha! A couple live in Phoenix, one is in New York City, one's in MN, one's in the crazy town of Fresno, one is in Dubai and the other is in Japan.  We are on completely different tracks in life.  Some are staying at home being baby mamas, others are living the single life in the Big Apple, one is teaching English to crazy Japanese kids, one's working in the corporate world and dating a great guy, two are still in school like me, another is dealing with loss and trying to understand how to move forward with her life. All are girls, but two are married, two are dating, and two are single, and one is widowed.  My friends keep getting more and more spread out and, yet, I feel closer to them then ever before. It's a complete paradox to me, but it works. 

Christine and I  (the one who just moved to NYC), were talking last night on what types of friendships work for us at this stage in our lives. And what makes those good friendships last. We came up with a couple of things that I believe are crucial to why these friendships work so so so well and why in these friendships everyone feels fulfilled between them.

First, and foremost, we love each other.  I mean we LOVE each other. I celebrate with them when they are happy, we cry together when we are sad, we feel for each other. We want happiness for one another and are happy because the other is happy.  The first time Bethanne met Phil, she wasn't sure about him, but she knew that he made me truly happy and because of that, loved him just the same. When I found out that I was accepted to medical school, Quichia was going through a lot in her a life, but she celebrated with me, and enjoyed my accomplishments. When she decided to move to Japan, I knew that I would miss her tremendously, and I do, but am so happy that she is in the place that makes her the happiest. We celebrate accomplishments, are proud of one another, we understand disappointments and heartbreak, and we know that at the end of the day, we are more than friends, we are family.

My baby mama while she was here in TX

Second, we COMMUNICATE with each other.  Whether that be through email, or text, or a long but much needed "phone date", or a simple facebook wall post, we communicate. And yes, we ask the complimentary how are you's? and what've you been up to?, but more importantly, we tell each other what we need. I can call and say, "I need advice, or to talk this through with you, or to tell you about what Phil did yesterday?".  And they can call and say "I need you to come to _______, I need to talk, I need some money" and if I can fill that need, I will and do. The only thing that is assumed in the conversation is that there is a mutual love and respect in the friendship. Everything else is placed on the table.  Whether it be a differential diagnosis for a 9 month old, tricks to help a significant other stop smoking, 2500 dollars for spending money, a long needed girl's weekend, or just an ear to listen, we state what we need and its wonderful! No one assumes that the other person can read their minds, everyone knows that what may be obvious to some, is completely opaque to others. The night I found out that John had died, Lila called me, told me, and when I asked her what I could do for her, she said "Can you come stay with me?". So I did. I'll move mountains for friends when they ask me to, and I know that they'll move mountains for me. It's wonderful.

My HSLM

Third, we UNDERSTAND each other. Also BEAUTIFUL. I know that if I call Christine and we play phone tag for two weeks, it's not because she is avoiding me, it's because we are both SUPER busy and while we are trying, that doesn't mean that our schedules always match.  I also know, that if I call Christine and tell her that I need her to call back right away, she understands that there is something that is pressing and will move schedules/mountains/reception towers to talk to me. I understand that when I call and talk to Bethanne that there will probably be either a screaming/or super happy child in the background. That just because she is watching him, doesn't mean that she's not also paying attention to me. That when she says she has to go, it's not because she doesn't care, but because she has a child that depends on her for everything. Bethanne also understands that if I don't call her for two or three weeks, its not because I don't want to talk to her or hear about her life, but that I am busy, trying to be a doctor, trying to create a good foundation for a marriage, and that I still miss her tremendously and think of her daily. I haven't actually talked to Quichia in over two months, and yet, I can honestly say that our friendship is strong because we genuinely understand one another. Actually, I haven't talked to Lana in person for almost a year and a half, but we know we are in different countries and when we do talk... it will be glorious.On the other hand,  I know that Ali and I aren't good on the phone, but instead, we update each other through blogs/facebook/and any other form of electronic communication. She knows that I cherish her daughters, even though I see them probably 3 or 4 times a year, love her husband and value her friendship tremendously. Understanding is crucial and oh so wonderful.

Finally, we have FORGIVENESS. Whether it be for a misspoken word, an unreturned call, or a poorly laid plan. We know that we aren't perfect, but that our intentions are good and loving. I know that when I say I'm sorry, that I mean it, and they know this as well. I know that if I tell Dulce that something she said truly hurt me, that she will be genuinely remorseful and try to rectify the situation in every possible way.  At the end of the day, we know that there is love and respect before bitterness and anger. We work hard, don't hold grudges, and love unconditionally. What more could you ask for?

Angie and I, over a year ago, but I love her nonetheless :)

And most importantly, we are not each other's "best friend", if there is such a thing. These people know that at the end of the day, Philip Rabon is my best friend, my first priority, and the love of my life. And I know that is true for Ali and Asaf, Beth and Jon, Christina and Garrett, Kiki and Ciro. And for my single/dating friends I know that they have a core group of people to lean on, not just myself. I know that Lila has all of John's family/Shandra/Stephanie and so many other people that love her. I know that Christine is ridiculously well loved, that Angie has some great friends. We are all so blessed. My friends know that my time with Phil and God come first, and then everything else. 

My best friend... sigh :)

Maybe I'm closest to these people because they don't live in the same city as me because we make the time we have together valuable and memorable, because we openly communicate our love. I don't know, but this is where I'm at right now. 

It is wonderful to have people who love you, communicate with you, understand and forgive you. That's all I can say.

A great conversation

Last night, Phil and I were discussing how our hearts have become tender to those suffering around us. I'll give you an example: While I didn't know John that well, Lila is one of those people that I would love to protect from all harm and John death has continually thrown me for a loop. It's been six months, and still when I think about it, tears come to my eyes. Every time that I hear of a death now, I not only think of the families, wives, children and friends, but my heart literally hurts inside.

Phil and I talked about being able to see the world through God's eyes, there are lyrics that say this better than I can:

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause

I love the lines, "Show me how to love like you have loved me. Break my heart from what breaks yours."
But, lately I've really been thinking about this subject more than I have in recent years.
First, do I want my heart to break like God's does? There's definitely a part of me that wishes I could go on oblivious to the pain in this world. And most days, I could choose to. We live in a nice house, with nice cars, Phil and I love each other in a way that is rare these days and our biggest problem is paying for a wedding. Phil and I are definitely blessed. And why God continues to bless us so much I cannot fathom, but will remain thankful for his sustainment. There is definitely a part of me that wants to pursue the Consumerism religion. When I see that nice car, see the latest technology, and see that new and upcoming vacation destination that looks oh so tempting, I want to pursue these things. BUT. When it comes down to it, that's not where my heart is. At all. my heart is with Lila and with the other widows who are heart-broken because they've lost their soul mate. It's with those children who have been orphaned from diseases ravaging their continents. It's with that single mom who is struggling to make ends meet, the one who can't afford to get to the doctor and who only wants a healthy, happy baby. That's where my heart is, and while I've tried to fight it, when I'm where God wants me to be, that's when I'm happiest.

This is what makes being in medical school difficult. It's not the studying or the material. Mostly, it's because I want to be doing what I feel I was put on this earth to do, and while I know that medical school is a means to an end (an end that I've been striving for since before I began high school), it feels too "safe" for me most of the time.
Don't get me wrong, I love my life, I love my fiancé, and my dogs, and my house and the fact that I'll graduate without debt so that I am able to pursue whatever purpose I choose. BUT. I don't want to live my life burdened by "the daily grind".
I am in a state of waiting right now and waiting has never been my forté. I am waiting for marriage, waiting to be a doctor, waiting for kids and to be able to adopt our beautiful sons or daughters from overseas. I am waiting to travel as a doctor and be able to go to remote places and offer services that are rare. I am waiting for residency, waiting for my sister to move to Texas, waiting until I am reunited with my wonderful friends in Arizona, waiting for the day that I can return to India, or Africa, or Honduras, or Guatemala. Not just as a tourist, but with something to offer.
So, how do I reconcile the desires of my heart with the life that I am living right now? The christian life isn't supposed to be "safe", it's not supposed to be "routine". God gives us a chance at an adventure that is bigger than our minds can fathom. And yet. that's how I feel. Safe and routine.

I'm following a blog that I absolutely love called Pure and Lasting and I love it because it talks about these things. Here it is: http://pureandlasting.com

What does God want from us and from our lives?
From scripture, I have to glean that God wants our time, our hearts, and our "routines". He is constantly seeking the widowed, the orphaned, the stranger in a foreign land, the lost, and the broken. He constantly tells us to take care of these people and to leave behind some of what we have for them (Deut 24:17-22). He's the pursuer of the un-pursued, the lover of the unloved. His passion is revealing Himself and His glory, through His people. So I have to ask myself: How am I revealing that glory? Is it enough to be in medical school? Is it enough to sponsor a child in a foreign land? Or to give a little bit of our income here and there to the needy? While I am worried about my weight, my decorations at the wedding, what I'm going to cook for dinner... 30,000 children a day die from starvation and poverty related diseases. I don't know how to fix that, and how not to have my heart constantly broken thinking of those kids.

I cannot wait to ADOPT... but I have to
I cannot wait to be a DOCTOR... but I have to
I cannot wait to TRAVEL... but I have to

God put me here, in this time, for a reason, but I don't know why I must wait for so long, or what he wants me to do in the meantime. So, I'll wait. Begrudgingly. But wait just the same. All I can do is listen for his direction and pray these lyrics:

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause

School's back in session...

And it is still HARD WORK.

I just finished my first round of exams on Wednesday. you'd think that since i am repeating second year it would be a little easier, but it's just as bad. I study the same amount if not more, but the difference is that this year, I LOVE doing it. Well, maybe I don't "love" it, but I see the purpose of it, I realize that it's worth my time and effort in the long run, and my life is so much more calm that it is nice to study and not a hassle.

So... Let me list a couple of reasons I am thankful for studying this time around:

1. I am not going to rehab 3 times a week, or for that matter, at all! I am not recovering from knee surgery and it's good to be able to walk without a brace, not have to plan studying around PT, and to have that extra time to myself.

2. I am not moving twice in one month. I am thankful to have an unpacked, clean house that I share with the man that I love and no one else (besides our two crazy dogs). I feel at home in this house, everything is where it is supposed to be and it is great.

3. I have a fiance who supports me through everything. I am so blessed. Phil treats me like a queen and understands that I can't hang out with him the weekend before the tests. He leaves me to study, and even cooks and cleans while I sit upstairs in my study nook for hours on end going through flashcards.

4. I have a study nook! Once again, Phil is amazing. He set me up a place where I can study and stream podcasts over our tv. So, I can review a lecture, or stay home and study while watching the podcast on double speed (this feature is AMAZING!). The nook is comfortable, quiet, and ALL MINE. I love it!

5. I have learned discipline (I thought I knew what this was, but I didn't). I've learned how to put fun times on hold in order to get through what I need to do, and to reward myself when it is a job well done. Those rewards feel amazing after I've accomplished what I needed to accomplish. It makes everything that much better.

6. I am learning to say no to others. While this seems like something simple to most, I'm learning that medical school cannot be put on hold for every major life event, and while you must roll with the punches, you also have to choose what punches are worth taking. Some are inevitable, but others are a choice. And I'm finally choosing to be successful in what I do.

Anyways, I did well on my exams and blogging is one of the rewards that I gave myself once I finished the module.

So this is what I've been up to since July 5th:
I went to Phoenix on my first "paid business trip" aka
I had to deposit a large check in Quichia's bank account and could only deposit it in person. Therefore, Quichia flew me out to Phoenix to accomplish this task. On that note, Quichia made me Power of Attorney over her finances while she is in Japan... yeah, that's right. I'm pretty legit :) Well, at least Quichia thinks so.

While on my "business trip", I was able to see most of my favorite people :) I spent the day with Beth and baby Micah, treated myself to a pedicure with my BFF, spent a day with Ali and her crazy Bosnian girls. I am in LOVE with all three of these little kids :) Micah is such a happy baby that I love just seeing him smile. I think I could make him smile all day and feel content in life. Honestly, I never thought another boy would be able to do that to me besides my nephews, but Micah is just as special as they are. My heart may explode for how much I love those three boys :) And then there is Berlin.
She is the epitome of the "chill baby". I think her and Micah may date someday... Mostly because they both have the same sort of demeanor. They roll with the punches, smile all the time and are so content. I loved it.

To add to this, there is Ali's sweet, sassy, full of attitude: beautiful little girl named London. She is so smart, so pretty and and has such an amazing personality. I've never had to work for a little kid to like me before but with London, "working" for her approval pretty much means that you ignore her until she is nice to you. She was turning 2 the weekend after I was in Phoenix, so I treated her to build a bear for her birthday present :) She built a "mana" which is Bonian for cat. She wouldn't let it go and that made my heart happy. Oh, and on a side note, I got in my first MOMMY FIGHT. Ha! I'm not even a mom, but when Ali asked me to watch London while she breastfed, I became her mommy for a bit and when the other older kids tried to take advantage of her tiny stature, I was there to step in... Ali was proud. I was just feisty.

I was also able to visit John's grave with Lila. She keeps it so nice, but it broke my heart being out there. John death has really thrown me for a loop. It;s hard to explain, but it was a life-changing, game changing moment for me. I still haven't fully figured out why, but it definitely was.

Finally, I was able to go to sushi and FroYo with one of my favorite couples, Patrick and Dawn, as well as Dulce and Lila. I haven't laughed as hard as I did in a very long time. It was great!
And then I ended the trip, drunk in the airport after a crazy night with my HSLM, Christine. How that girl gets me so drunk I may never know, but it seems like I am always vomiting after going out with her, and this time was no exception.

I came back to TX on July 4th, spent the day in my PJ's, on the couch, recovering from a hangover. Phil is so good to me. That next week was somewhat of a blur, but on the 10th, Christian and Jacob came into town, which was followed by a month long barrage of visitors. At a couple of points, there were 9 people and 3 dogs in the house, but I loved every minute of it. While I like the silence for studying, I miss my family tremendously and would trade hearing Christian and Trevis giggle any day.

A couple of things we were able to do with my family (in no particular order):

1. We took Jacob and Christian out to the Serengeti Resort (where we are getting married!!). Fed the animals, and sped away from the crazy ostriches and Clyde, the man-eating camel that I'm in love with.

2. We took the boys to a dino exhibit at the Witte Museum. Tuesday are free after 3:30. We definitely took advantage of that!
3. Christian and I went bowling. He beat me once. I am embarassed, but that's how it goes sometimes (especially in bowling).
4. We went to Sea World several times. Thank goodness for season passes and all day dining deals! Everytime I loved it and so did the kids :)
5. There were lots of days and nights filled with Guitar Hero and Rock Band. I've never seen my family get so excited about music. lol.
6. We took Christian and Jacob to Dave and Buster's. Played lots of video games, ate great food and bought prizes with our tickets. (Christian used his tickets to buy his brother a present. I though this was so so so sweet).
7. We "toob"ed the river. Christian got stuck in back current, Phil had to save him. It was all pretty dramatic, but when is my life not?8. Christina turned a plastic container into a "swimming pool" for the kids in my backyard... ingenious, and yet sad at the same time.

9. I was schooled in "go fish" by Trevis. That kid is definitely a smarty pants and know how to win Go Fish.

10. All the while, I was studying, going to school, and loving having my family so close.


And some other cool things we did without the fam:

Lila came into Fort Hood. I was able to go see her beautiful self for a bit :)

We went us to Austin and ate BBQ out of an old school bus. It was pretty amazing.We went to Dallas Cowboys training camp. Phil was pretty excited about this :)
After everyone left, Phil and I shampooed the carpets (because of the dogs, not the people). AMAZING! I LOVE clean carpets. Then it was lots of studying to catch up in my classes. But it was worth it. i finished my testing and am now getting to enjoy having just Phil and I in the house. It's been great.

On the wedding front. The wedding coordinator quoted some OUTRAGEOUS prices for invitations and flowers/decorations, so we figured since the wedding was so far away, we should do some of it ourselves. I designed the invitations and am so proud of them! They even have a pocketfold. Plus! I have some great plans for decorations :) I am so glad that I am getting to use my creativity and that we are saving so much money! It gives me a sense of accomplishment. I LOVE IT!

On the med school front. I have class 8-12 or 8-3. it depends on the day and the subject matter. the time I'm not in class I'm studying, or cleaning, or trying to workout. We just finished the General Concepts module which was pretty much everything that didn't fit in any other module and have now moved onto Respiratory. It's exhausting sitting in class for that long, but, my tailbone is healing and slowly but surely I am able to sit for longer and longer. There a definitely days when I HATE repeating. But those are few and far between and are mostly when I have to go perform exams on the same standardized patients as last year.


And I will leave you with such a great video. Here's what Katie does when she hears a siren. LOL. Love it!