reflecting...

So as part of our trip to Haiti, each of us has to reflect on our experience while we were there.  It took me a while to write it, but here it is:

I have put off writing this reflection until the last moment. My reasons were not immediately clear to me; all I knew was that I was putting off this responsibility. In my procrastination, I have become immersed in the chaos around me. It has been a whirlwind of studying for exams, teaching high school students, planning a wedding, working out, going on dates, hiking, and doing anything else possible to avoid stopping and reflecting. Perhaps the main reason may be that because I am advancing in school and losing free time, I know I will not be returning to that type of situation for a while.

The long unexpected bus trips, hotels where you are trained to expect the unexpected (tarantulas, flooding showers and the sudden loss of power,) the questionable food that may make you sick, the lack of internet and cell phone service, a language barrier (playing charades with the locals until you are forced to used broken Spanish/Creole,) miscommunications, trucks that break down, and all other types of inconveniences that accompany being in the middle of an impoverished country. I know that deep down inside, I will miss it all. 

I spent my formative years traveling and I absolutely love it. Not traveling as in backpacking through Europe, spending an evening in Times Square or any other glamorous place that most people dream about going. I mean traveling as in going to those places that few are willing to tread. The very first time I left U.S. soil I landed in Kenya. I was not there for a safari, though that part was enjoyable. I was there to work in orphanages, and to do what I could to help with the AIDS epidemic. In that country, I saw some of the most devastating poverty that my mind has ever grasped. I returned to the states with a new perspective on life and third world countries. Since that trip, I have been to Guatemala, Honduras, India, the United Arab Emirates, Mexico and the list goes on. My passport is filled with stamps that simply state, 'I am a world-traveler.'

For Haiti and the Dominican Republic, I thought I prepared myself by studying poverty and corruption, and surrounding myself with people who are like-minded. I thought that if I knew a certain amount that I would be able to make a huge impact. I prepared myself mentally but not emotionally because, for a time, I thought that these trips were only for those who were less fortunate. I thought I was there to help them. I realize now that I was wrong.

There is a shirt that I have come across that reads, “I need Africa more than Africa needs me.” In this context, Africa could easily be replaced with Haiti, India or any of the dozens of other countries with similar plights. When I first saw those words branded on that cotton apparel, I was perplexed. I thought about all the poverty, AIDS and horror stories that come from any number of third world countries. I simply could not understand why someone would put that on a shirt. Those who know me well would tell you that I'm a "Fixer." When I come across a problem, my first instinct is to fix what is broken, help the hurting, and do what I can to make a difference. The first reaction I have to a negative situation is, "I have X, Y, and Z. Let me help you in any way I can." When I saw that shirt I thought, "I have so many resources here in the U.S., how could I need Africa more than Africa needs me?" After contemplating that shirt for some time though, I have come to understand a few things.

The truth of the matter is: we, as Americans, live in a society that values superficial beauty, hot commodities, manicured lawns, beautiful houses, and sex appeal. We want lives that are glamorous; poverty is not glamorous. There is nothing glamorous about children who have never worn shoes, whose bellies protrude from being filled with parasites, or whose eardrums have scarred over so many times because of ear infections they may lose their hearing later in life. There is nothing glamorous about mothers who birth children completely alone in their huts, or fathers who leave their children fatherless because they do not have the antibiotics necessary to treat their typhoid or malaria. It is these reasons that such people have been forgotten in our society.

We live in our big houses, drive our expensive cars and go about pretending there aren't thousands upon thousands of children dying from easily preventable deaths every day. We ignore the forgotten because the thought of them makes us uncomfortable. They are forgotten because they make us feel ugly. Not about the façade that we manicure for ourselves, but the inner self that is drowning in the ever rising waters of apathy and denial. I have faced this poverty and the people who live in it; their beauty has shined a light on my ugliness. Their kindness to one another is a thing of beauty and has revealed my own selfishness. Their hospitality has shined a light on my tendency to shy away from the unknown. The beauty in their smiles, despite overwhelming circumstances, has shown me how I can get angry when the slightest thing goes awry. Their resourcefulness has shown me how much I have forgotten about creativity and ingenuity. Their hard work has exposed my own tendency to be lazy about school and other responsibilities that are important. In all of these things, I have come to learn you will not find sex appeal in these villages, but you will find beauty. True beauty.

Now I realize there is so much truth to those words on that shirt; it simply astounds me. There is no denying that there are a billion things that need to be done in this world. There are wells to dig, hospitals to build, economies to strengthen, money to dispense, and so much more. We can throw money at projects all day long, but we can lose sight of what's really important.  Because, in the meantime, there are children to feed, mothers to care for, and families to love. All of these require not just money, but human interaction.

When I came to see these beautiful Haitians and Dominicans as people rather than a diagnosis or an interesting case, I realized that I need them more than they need me. I need their beauty to remind me that this world is not ugly. I need their kindness to remind me to be kind to those from all walks of life. I need their hospitality to show me how to be comfortable with those who are so different. I need their smiles to remind me that I have my own. I need their amazing ingenuity to show me that with enough thought and work, anything can be solved.  This trip and others like it have taught me that true beauty is so much better than sex appeal.

It's on these things that I reflect. My time in the Dominican Republic was filled with those unexpected situations that you come across while traveling in a foreign country, but at the end of the day it is not what I remember most. I remember the complete and unselfish love that was revealed by one mother a she tried to give me her baby because she wanted a better life for her child. I remember the compassion of one of our doctors who took off her shoes and went barefoot so a woman could own a single pair. I remember the children who didn’t have food in their little bellies but continued to smile when we had nothing to give them except antibiotics and vitamins. I remember the friendships that were made, not only amongst the group of students, but also amongst the translators, the Dominicans, the Haitians and the doctors who mentored all of us.  I remember the reason that I fell in love with traveling and cultures. I remember the reason I fell in love with medicine. All of that will push me to work harder, learn more and become, not just an average doctor, but a good one.

I avoided writing this reflection because I will miss these trips. Not the cold showers, or the bumpy roads, but the love of the culture, the beauty of clinical medicine in its simplicity. I will miss the kindness, hospitality, and love of the people.  I have so much to learn from them and so little time to spare. 

At the end of the day, “I need Haiti more than Haiti needs me.”

2.5 month update... better than a year!

So, I promised myself that this year I would update my blog.  Not for anyone else, but to keep a record of how things were during med school, how it is being engaged and what I've learned so far, just life in general.

BUT... the rough thing about med school is that it seems that it consumes all of your time/energy and those times when you aren't pulling all-nighters, sitting in front of the computer watching lectures, going to labs, etc., you are busy with actual LIFE.

So, before I talk about anything else, here's what's been going on since Aug 13th (Wow, time flies around here!):

My little brother came down and stayed with us for a week.  He is interested in writing news for a living, so Phil took Jacob to work with him one day and then we also were able to hang out and enjoy my brother's company.  We were able to take him to the Art Museum, out to eat and all that good stuff. It was good having him around!

Phil at the art museum standing in front of a Japanese something or other, we felt we needed to incorporate Kiki

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I had tests (like always) In the time since I last posted, we have covered Respiratory, Hematology, Renal, and are now in Cardio... yes, med school is hard, fast-paced, and EXTREMELY difficult to catch up on once you are behind. It's been easier this year, but is definitely still hard.  I am learning even more than last year which is good but its still definitely something I have to force myself to do.

Yes this is actually what medical school studying looks like... FML

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We also celebrated my 7th brain surgery anniversary and Joee's 3rd birthday! I can't believe that it has already been 7 years or how much can change in those 7 years. Who knew I would be in medical school in Texas, with the love of my life! God is so good and pours out so many blessings.

LOL. To celebrate, Phil made me a brain made out of Jello and Joee got a turkey cake with candles on it (Yes, we are "those" people, and I am OK with it)

Happy Birthday Joee!!

My brain... made out of Jello (although that's how it feels most days after class anyway)

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Logan opening his presents!

I also had the privilege of attending my cousin's son's 2nd birthday up in Austin.  He is a cutie and I love that family.  Although, (Let me preface by saying it was dark and I was in unfamiliar territory...) on my way home, I was trying to figure out where I was going and driving at the same time (DO NOT DO THIS!) and the lane ended. So,  my car went flying into a curb, blew a tire and damaged the wheel.  After replacing a tire in the darkest place someone could possibly create with a dead cell phone and spending 600 dollars to replace wheels etc, I havelearned my lesson. It is worth the time and effort to pull over to the side of the road.  believe me, it is.

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Phil and I are definitely busy ones! In one weekend we went to two separate 2 year old bday parties (Molly and Micah... they were born on the same day), a going away party, worked at Games2U, and attended an Oktoberfest party all in one day.  Then on Sunday, we got up and drove to Rockport for my cousin's baby shower.  My guy is a trooper! And I love him!

Molly's 2nd birthday!

Marcus's Oktoberfest party

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Our Class!

Lindsey and I also started teaching our Anatomy and Physiology Class at a high school on Monday nights, we started with around 23 kids and now have 14 because apparently we are "hard and demanding".  The kids who have stuck with it have learned a lot.  I am really starting to get to know these students, learn about their high school drama, and counsel them on those issues when they feel like they can't talk to anyone else.  I am young and not a "real teacher", so the kids are able to open up to me. It's a blessing and a curse... I do not want to hear who stole who's boyfriend and why yesterday your best friend is now your enemy.  I will listen to why your parents kicked you out and give you advice on that. One lesson I have learned that high schoolers need strict boundaries! And that you don't give them candy at the beginning of the class period! 

So far we have covered anatomy terms, chemistry, cellular structure, the integumentary system and musculoskeletal.  The first test only 5 kids passed, and I'm in the middle of grading the second test so we will see how they do.

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I was also accepted to go to Haiti this January! It's something that I really wanted to do last year, but with everything that went on, I wasn't able to go. Now I head down there for a week in January.  I can't wait to see what God has planned for me.  Because, while I'll help a little, those who we treat will bless me more than I am ever able to bless them.  It always works that way because God is completely opposite of the way this world thinks. It is beautiful.  But!!! I am raising money for Haiti, the trip and medical supplies... and if you'd like to help, go HERE!!! Remember to put my name in the little box at the bottom!

We've also done a couple of other fundraisers aka bake-sales, Order-Up percentage nights, but our big fundraiser will be in December where we have a silent auction of different things that local businesses have donated.  it should be a lot of fun and I am so thankful to those businesses that decide to bless others with their profits! The place I am getting married, Serengeti Resort, donated a night stay! I love working with and supporting businesses like that! Also, Bend the Light (my photographers) came out to Order-Up to support Project Haiti as well! I'm telling you best people ever to work with!

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 Also, my friend Gaby had surgery again on he back. This time, however, her surgeon was knowledgeable, supportive, and cared deeply about Gaby's outcome. She was in surgery for something like 8 hours, but Dr. Cyr stayed in there til he thought that everything was perfect. I was definitely impressed with him (He's pretty adorable too).  Before the surgery she came in to talk with the MS2's about her experience not as a med student, but as a patient with chronic pain.  

I used to think that emotional pain was a lot worse than physical pain, that those who were hurting emotionally, were worse off than those hurting spiritually.  However, that is not the case. God has designed us so that while we are on this earth, our bodies and our souls are intertwined. Those with physical pain suffer will also suffer emotional pain and those with emotional pain will feel physical signs of it as well. In the past year, two of my closest friends have faced probably some of the roughest times they will ever face in their lives. One suffered emotional pain, and the other physical, but in the end, they are both suffering the from both.  I wish I could take Lila's emotional hurt away and Gaby's phyiscal pain, but I can't. All I can do is be there for them when they ask me to, God has to do the rest.

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Phil eating fried beer. No joke.

On a lighter note, Phil and I celebrated his birthday in style! We first headed to Athens (TX not the country, I wish... sigh) and went scuba diving for the day! This was my first time scuba diving outside of being certified and it was AMAZING! I love being under the water, navigating, checking out all kinds of cool things like sunken ships and  buses.  It was a lot of fun.  From Athens, we traveled north to Dallas where we were able to see Phil's parents, some of his great friends, and a couple other relatives. We went to his grandparents' house for breakfast (so good), then headed to the state fair where Phil had fried beer and I stuck to a corn dog, and then ventured over to a place called Main Event.  I had contacted all of Phil's Dallas friends and arranged it so they would all be there as a surprise.  He was definitely surprised! It was such a satisfying feeling seeing how happy he was and what a great time was had :)

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Phil and I FINALLY had our engagement session with them and the pictures turned out beautifully.  While I am super critical of my body, the pictures are great. I am so thankful to be working with such great people.  Here is their professional blog and Here is the personal one on adoption.

These are some of my faves :)

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Phil and I also went up to a cabin with both sets of our parents (well my mom and Jacob).  It was the first time that each of Phil's parents met my mom and vice versa, but it went GREAT! I adore my biological family as well as the one I am being adopted into and am gaining more people who love Phil and I. It is such a blessing!

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And then, for Halloween weekend, one of my FAVORITE people came out to visit me! LILA! We visited the Alamo, played in a corn maze, laid around the house and attempted to pass out candy (I turned on the long "porch light" so not many came by). It was refreshing to have her in town. I loved just being able to be myself with someone I have known since 2nd grade.  I can't wait for her to come back.

Lila at the Alamo

Dorks

Nana bought her grandpuppies Halloween costumes lol

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And here are just some random pics that I think are ridiculous/hilarious/embody my life...

Phil with a monster burrito from Freebirds... seriously?

This is actually how I teach... they should have screened me before hand

So lady-like...

And pathetic.lol.

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OK, now onto the boring/what have I learned, etc. part...

Phil and I have been growing closer and learning a lot by living together.  It takes extreme will-power and, more importantly, the grace of God to live with someone and not sleep with them. While Phil and I are saving money by living together, it can definitely be hard. On the other hand, living with Phil has taught me so many problem-solving techniques. I've learned how he likes to be praised, how to best argue with him, and how to make-up cleanly.  This is the first relationship where I can say that when we argue there is no yelling, bitterness, hurtful words, or anything like that and I am SO SO SO SO SO SO grateful for that! He is a wonderful man whom I come to love and respect more and more each day. I can't wait to call him my husband and am so thankful for this time we have where we are learning so much about each other every day. 

On that note, God is definitely teaching me patience... in almost every area of my life.  I have realized that I am a lot like a toddler, throwing tantrums when I don't get my way/have to wait. But I am finally starting to grow up a bit. I still throw tantrums, but I am also understanding that everything, I mean EVERYTHING, will work out in the end to honor Christ.  How amazing is that? So although I may have to wait, I know that the waiting is worth it.  That is a huge thing for me!

Phil and I have come into contact with so many great people lately. People who inspire us, make us want to seek God that much more. We have been encouraged by old friends as well as new ones.  We are realizing just how blessed we are and with that comes a humbling reality that not everyone in the world is as blessed.  God is opening our eyes to the poverty that is almost everywhere and that we are so blind to.  He is showing us the need for such things as adoption and the beauty of giving.  It has been great to follow so many people that are fully trusting in God and we are blessed to be surrounded by it.

On another note, I've been missing so many people more and more, that its become really hard.  With saving for the wedding I haven't been able to travel and get my usual "fixes" of the people that I love.  I miss my nephews and my sister more than I thought I ever could. I almost cry when I see photos of them because they are getting so big.  I miss seeing Micah and being able to fly on a whim to go see whoever I was missing. I miss my two Bosnian drama queens who sometimes hate me but I love them nonetheless. And then there's Quichia who went from living in our house to half-way across the world (literally) in Japan.  I most definitely miss her. However, Skype has been such an amazing tool to keep these friendships as amazing as they are.  I'm learning what it is to be a grown-up, to have responsibilities and be accountable to other people besides yourself. It is an adjustment, but well worth it in the end.  I am learning to rely on Phil for my companionship. I am learning that it is OK to be in a quiet house by yourself (well, with two sleeping dogs) and that it is OK to relax and to sit and study.  That doesn't mean that my life will always be this way, but that this season of my life, right now, is. 

I am learning about loss and pain and disappointment and failure, but also about redemption and healing and pride in the successes that we accomplish through Christ.  I am learning that to truly appreciate those good times, you have to go through the bad, although I wonder why some people are tasked with more of the bad than others. 

I'm learning what my high school teachers must of thought of me and how thankful I am that so many of my teachers stuck with me even though I squirmed and I talked out of turn and asked a gazillion questions and had run-on sentences that would last for a paragraph or two ;) Teachers are so amazing, have such a hard job and do it for so little! Honestly, they are my new heroes. Well, them and stay at home moms.

I'm also learning that prayer works! I know that everyone always says that it does, but Phil and I have been keeping a daily prayer log with an iPhone app and it has been amazing to see so many of those prayers come to life! How great is it to know that our prayers our heard and answered! Sigh... amazing.

Finally, Phil and I are learning (actively) how to give. How to support those who continually working for God, how to give to build wells and supplies that are so needed in other countries, how to plan for Haiti and give money to causes that are far more important than movies, or the next big Apple product (I know... that was a hard one to right).   It is such a beautiful thing lately and I am so in love with Phil for learning this with me! Again... love songs do not even begin to describe what I feel for that man.

To end... Here are a couple of great places where Phil and I have started giving... And we have been so much more blessed than the people we are "helping". Again, God is funny that way.

One of our photographers and her husband are in the process of adopting a baby girl from Ethiopia, while they wait for their beautiful little girl they are raising money for two wells in Africa. You can donate here. And follow their story here.

Also Phil and I started supporting one of my college Navigators leader, Bryce Bouchard. He made such a difference in my life and God finally told me, why aren't you giving back to him.  You know those people that you just walk away from going "man, that guy just encouraged me more than I've ever been encouraged". Well, he's that kind of guy and has had to pull back in ministering to students in order to raise funds... This is such a sad thing because he makes a difference in peoples' lives EVERYDAY.  Anyways, you can donate to him here.

And, I am heading to Haiti January 1st. We are taking supplies and anything else that may help the people we will come into contact with and  also giving funds to organizations who are in Haiti full time. Everyday, all the time, in the dirt and grim and grease giving everything they have to help these people (they are also my heroes). You can donate to Haiti and the trip here.

Oh and randomly... check this out! I am so proud of Mike Severson for starting this company... I know friends who are doing big thing and making big differences and giving back with their time, their work, and their money. What great people I am surrounded by!

Ha! I feel like I am soliciting donations left and right.  I am not. That is not my intention. I just want people to know the great things that are going on and the opportunities that there are to give. It has blessed Phil and I in so many ways and we have barely scratched the surface.

Ok! I am going on a date with my amazing fiancé/roommate/best friend! What a wonderful life :)

P.S. I learned how to embed webpages! Why there are so many links in this post... lol

My friends...

So, I've called a lot of people lately to get advice from them on one situation or another and was thinking about the people I call first and what they have in common.

Me, Lana, and Cristu on vaca in Dubai :)

Ha! A couple live in Phoenix, one is in New York City, one's in MN, one's in the crazy town of Fresno, one is in Dubai and the other is in Japan.  We are on completely different tracks in life.  Some are staying at home being baby mamas, others are living the single life in the Big Apple, one is teaching English to crazy Japanese kids, one's working in the corporate world and dating a great guy, two are still in school like me, another is dealing with loss and trying to understand how to move forward with her life. All are girls, but two are married, two are dating, and two are single, and one is widowed.  My friends keep getting more and more spread out and, yet, I feel closer to them then ever before. It's a complete paradox to me, but it works. 

Christine and I  (the one who just moved to NYC), were talking last night on what types of friendships work for us at this stage in our lives. And what makes those good friendships last. We came up with a couple of things that I believe are crucial to why these friendships work so so so well and why in these friendships everyone feels fulfilled between them.

First, and foremost, we love each other.  I mean we LOVE each other. I celebrate with them when they are happy, we cry together when we are sad, we feel for each other. We want happiness for one another and are happy because the other is happy.  The first time Bethanne met Phil, she wasn't sure about him, but she knew that he made me truly happy and because of that, loved him just the same. When I found out that I was accepted to medical school, Quichia was going through a lot in her a life, but she celebrated with me, and enjoyed my accomplishments. When she decided to move to Japan, I knew that I would miss her tremendously, and I do, but am so happy that she is in the place that makes her the happiest. We celebrate accomplishments, are proud of one another, we understand disappointments and heartbreak, and we know that at the end of the day, we are more than friends, we are family.

My baby mama while she was here in TX

Second, we COMMUNICATE with each other.  Whether that be through email, or text, or a long but much needed "phone date", or a simple facebook wall post, we communicate. And yes, we ask the complimentary how are you's? and what've you been up to?, but more importantly, we tell each other what we need. I can call and say, "I need advice, or to talk this through with you, or to tell you about what Phil did yesterday?".  And they can call and say "I need you to come to _______, I need to talk, I need some money" and if I can fill that need, I will and do. The only thing that is assumed in the conversation is that there is a mutual love and respect in the friendship. Everything else is placed on the table.  Whether it be a differential diagnosis for a 9 month old, tricks to help a significant other stop smoking, 2500 dollars for spending money, a long needed girl's weekend, or just an ear to listen, we state what we need and its wonderful! No one assumes that the other person can read their minds, everyone knows that what may be obvious to some, is completely opaque to others. The night I found out that John had died, Lila called me, told me, and when I asked her what I could do for her, she said "Can you come stay with me?". So I did. I'll move mountains for friends when they ask me to, and I know that they'll move mountains for me. It's wonderful.

My HSLM

Third, we UNDERSTAND each other. Also BEAUTIFUL. I know that if I call Christine and we play phone tag for two weeks, it's not because she is avoiding me, it's because we are both SUPER busy and while we are trying, that doesn't mean that our schedules always match.  I also know, that if I call Christine and tell her that I need her to call back right away, she understands that there is something that is pressing and will move schedules/mountains/reception towers to talk to me. I understand that when I call and talk to Bethanne that there will probably be either a screaming/or super happy child in the background. That just because she is watching him, doesn't mean that she's not also paying attention to me. That when she says she has to go, it's not because she doesn't care, but because she has a child that depends on her for everything. Bethanne also understands that if I don't call her for two or three weeks, its not because I don't want to talk to her or hear about her life, but that I am busy, trying to be a doctor, trying to create a good foundation for a marriage, and that I still miss her tremendously and think of her daily. I haven't actually talked to Quichia in over two months, and yet, I can honestly say that our friendship is strong because we genuinely understand one another. Actually, I haven't talked to Lana in person for almost a year and a half, but we know we are in different countries and when we do talk... it will be glorious.On the other hand,  I know that Ali and I aren't good on the phone, but instead, we update each other through blogs/facebook/and any other form of electronic communication. She knows that I cherish her daughters, even though I see them probably 3 or 4 times a year, love her husband and value her friendship tremendously. Understanding is crucial and oh so wonderful.

Finally, we have FORGIVENESS. Whether it be for a misspoken word, an unreturned call, or a poorly laid plan. We know that we aren't perfect, but that our intentions are good and loving. I know that when I say I'm sorry, that I mean it, and they know this as well. I know that if I tell Dulce that something she said truly hurt me, that she will be genuinely remorseful and try to rectify the situation in every possible way.  At the end of the day, we know that there is love and respect before bitterness and anger. We work hard, don't hold grudges, and love unconditionally. What more could you ask for?

Angie and I, over a year ago, but I love her nonetheless :)

And most importantly, we are not each other's "best friend", if there is such a thing. These people know that at the end of the day, Philip Rabon is my best friend, my first priority, and the love of my life. And I know that is true for Ali and Asaf, Beth and Jon, Christina and Garrett, Kiki and Ciro. And for my single/dating friends I know that they have a core group of people to lean on, not just myself. I know that Lila has all of John's family/Shandra/Stephanie and so many other people that love her. I know that Christine is ridiculously well loved, that Angie has some great friends. We are all so blessed. My friends know that my time with Phil and God come first, and then everything else. 

My best friend... sigh :)

Maybe I'm closest to these people because they don't live in the same city as me because we make the time we have together valuable and memorable, because we openly communicate our love. I don't know, but this is where I'm at right now. 

It is wonderful to have people who love you, communicate with you, understand and forgive you. That's all I can say.

A great conversation

Last night, Phil and I were discussing how our hearts have become tender to those suffering around us. I'll give you an example: While I didn't know John that well, Lila is one of those people that I would love to protect from all harm and John death has continually thrown me for a loop. It's been six months, and still when I think about it, tears come to my eyes. Every time that I hear of a death now, I not only think of the families, wives, children and friends, but my heart literally hurts inside.

Phil and I talked about being able to see the world through God's eyes, there are lyrics that say this better than I can:

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause

I love the lines, "Show me how to love like you have loved me. Break my heart from what breaks yours."
But, lately I've really been thinking about this subject more than I have in recent years.
First, do I want my heart to break like God's does? There's definitely a part of me that wishes I could go on oblivious to the pain in this world. And most days, I could choose to. We live in a nice house, with nice cars, Phil and I love each other in a way that is rare these days and our biggest problem is paying for a wedding. Phil and I are definitely blessed. And why God continues to bless us so much I cannot fathom, but will remain thankful for his sustainment. There is definitely a part of me that wants to pursue the Consumerism religion. When I see that nice car, see the latest technology, and see that new and upcoming vacation destination that looks oh so tempting, I want to pursue these things. BUT. When it comes down to it, that's not where my heart is. At all. my heart is with Lila and with the other widows who are heart-broken because they've lost their soul mate. It's with those children who have been orphaned from diseases ravaging their continents. It's with that single mom who is struggling to make ends meet, the one who can't afford to get to the doctor and who only wants a healthy, happy baby. That's where my heart is, and while I've tried to fight it, when I'm where God wants me to be, that's when I'm happiest.

This is what makes being in medical school difficult. It's not the studying or the material. Mostly, it's because I want to be doing what I feel I was put on this earth to do, and while I know that medical school is a means to an end (an end that I've been striving for since before I began high school), it feels too "safe" for me most of the time.
Don't get me wrong, I love my life, I love my fiancé, and my dogs, and my house and the fact that I'll graduate without debt so that I am able to pursue whatever purpose I choose. BUT. I don't want to live my life burdened by "the daily grind".
I am in a state of waiting right now and waiting has never been my forté. I am waiting for marriage, waiting to be a doctor, waiting for kids and to be able to adopt our beautiful sons or daughters from overseas. I am waiting to travel as a doctor and be able to go to remote places and offer services that are rare. I am waiting for residency, waiting for my sister to move to Texas, waiting until I am reunited with my wonderful friends in Arizona, waiting for the day that I can return to India, or Africa, or Honduras, or Guatemala. Not just as a tourist, but with something to offer.
So, how do I reconcile the desires of my heart with the life that I am living right now? The christian life isn't supposed to be "safe", it's not supposed to be "routine". God gives us a chance at an adventure that is bigger than our minds can fathom. And yet. that's how I feel. Safe and routine.

I'm following a blog that I absolutely love called Pure and Lasting and I love it because it talks about these things. Here it is: http://pureandlasting.com

What does God want from us and from our lives?
From scripture, I have to glean that God wants our time, our hearts, and our "routines". He is constantly seeking the widowed, the orphaned, the stranger in a foreign land, the lost, and the broken. He constantly tells us to take care of these people and to leave behind some of what we have for them (Deut 24:17-22). He's the pursuer of the un-pursued, the lover of the unloved. His passion is revealing Himself and His glory, through His people. So I have to ask myself: How am I revealing that glory? Is it enough to be in medical school? Is it enough to sponsor a child in a foreign land? Or to give a little bit of our income here and there to the needy? While I am worried about my weight, my decorations at the wedding, what I'm going to cook for dinner... 30,000 children a day die from starvation and poverty related diseases. I don't know how to fix that, and how not to have my heart constantly broken thinking of those kids.

I cannot wait to ADOPT... but I have to
I cannot wait to be a DOCTOR... but I have to
I cannot wait to TRAVEL... but I have to

God put me here, in this time, for a reason, but I don't know why I must wait for so long, or what he wants me to do in the meantime. So, I'll wait. Begrudgingly. But wait just the same. All I can do is listen for his direction and pray these lyrics:

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause

School's back in session...

And it is still HARD WORK.

I just finished my first round of exams on Wednesday. you'd think that since i am repeating second year it would be a little easier, but it's just as bad. I study the same amount if not more, but the difference is that this year, I LOVE doing it. Well, maybe I don't "love" it, but I see the purpose of it, I realize that it's worth my time and effort in the long run, and my life is so much more calm that it is nice to study and not a hassle.

So... Let me list a couple of reasons I am thankful for studying this time around:

1. I am not going to rehab 3 times a week, or for that matter, at all! I am not recovering from knee surgery and it's good to be able to walk without a brace, not have to plan studying around PT, and to have that extra time to myself.

2. I am not moving twice in one month. I am thankful to have an unpacked, clean house that I share with the man that I love and no one else (besides our two crazy dogs). I feel at home in this house, everything is where it is supposed to be and it is great.

3. I have a fiance who supports me through everything. I am so blessed. Phil treats me like a queen and understands that I can't hang out with him the weekend before the tests. He leaves me to study, and even cooks and cleans while I sit upstairs in my study nook for hours on end going through flashcards.

4. I have a study nook! Once again, Phil is amazing. He set me up a place where I can study and stream podcasts over our tv. So, I can review a lecture, or stay home and study while watching the podcast on double speed (this feature is AMAZING!). The nook is comfortable, quiet, and ALL MINE. I love it!

5. I have learned discipline (I thought I knew what this was, but I didn't). I've learned how to put fun times on hold in order to get through what I need to do, and to reward myself when it is a job well done. Those rewards feel amazing after I've accomplished what I needed to accomplish. It makes everything that much better.

6. I am learning to say no to others. While this seems like something simple to most, I'm learning that medical school cannot be put on hold for every major life event, and while you must roll with the punches, you also have to choose what punches are worth taking. Some are inevitable, but others are a choice. And I'm finally choosing to be successful in what I do.

Anyways, I did well on my exams and blogging is one of the rewards that I gave myself once I finished the module.

So this is what I've been up to since July 5th:
I went to Phoenix on my first "paid business trip" aka
I had to deposit a large check in Quichia's bank account and could only deposit it in person. Therefore, Quichia flew me out to Phoenix to accomplish this task. On that note, Quichia made me Power of Attorney over her finances while she is in Japan... yeah, that's right. I'm pretty legit :) Well, at least Quichia thinks so.

While on my "business trip", I was able to see most of my favorite people :) I spent the day with Beth and baby Micah, treated myself to a pedicure with my BFF, spent a day with Ali and her crazy Bosnian girls. I am in LOVE with all three of these little kids :) Micah is such a happy baby that I love just seeing him smile. I think I could make him smile all day and feel content in life. Honestly, I never thought another boy would be able to do that to me besides my nephews, but Micah is just as special as they are. My heart may explode for how much I love those three boys :) And then there is Berlin.
She is the epitome of the "chill baby". I think her and Micah may date someday... Mostly because they both have the same sort of demeanor. They roll with the punches, smile all the time and are so content. I loved it.

To add to this, there is Ali's sweet, sassy, full of attitude: beautiful little girl named London. She is so smart, so pretty and and has such an amazing personality. I've never had to work for a little kid to like me before but with London, "working" for her approval pretty much means that you ignore her until she is nice to you. She was turning 2 the weekend after I was in Phoenix, so I treated her to build a bear for her birthday present :) She built a "mana" which is Bonian for cat. She wouldn't let it go and that made my heart happy. Oh, and on a side note, I got in my first MOMMY FIGHT. Ha! I'm not even a mom, but when Ali asked me to watch London while she breastfed, I became her mommy for a bit and when the other older kids tried to take advantage of her tiny stature, I was there to step in... Ali was proud. I was just feisty.

I was also able to visit John's grave with Lila. She keeps it so nice, but it broke my heart being out there. John death has really thrown me for a loop. It;s hard to explain, but it was a life-changing, game changing moment for me. I still haven't fully figured out why, but it definitely was.

Finally, I was able to go to sushi and FroYo with one of my favorite couples, Patrick and Dawn, as well as Dulce and Lila. I haven't laughed as hard as I did in a very long time. It was great!
And then I ended the trip, drunk in the airport after a crazy night with my HSLM, Christine. How that girl gets me so drunk I may never know, but it seems like I am always vomiting after going out with her, and this time was no exception.

I came back to TX on July 4th, spent the day in my PJ's, on the couch, recovering from a hangover. Phil is so good to me. That next week was somewhat of a blur, but on the 10th, Christian and Jacob came into town, which was followed by a month long barrage of visitors. At a couple of points, there were 9 people and 3 dogs in the house, but I loved every minute of it. While I like the silence for studying, I miss my family tremendously and would trade hearing Christian and Trevis giggle any day.

A couple of things we were able to do with my family (in no particular order):

1. We took Jacob and Christian out to the Serengeti Resort (where we are getting married!!). Fed the animals, and sped away from the crazy ostriches and Clyde, the man-eating camel that I'm in love with.

2. We took the boys to a dino exhibit at the Witte Museum. Tuesday are free after 3:30. We definitely took advantage of that!
3. Christian and I went bowling. He beat me once. I am embarassed, but that's how it goes sometimes (especially in bowling).
4. We went to Sea World several times. Thank goodness for season passes and all day dining deals! Everytime I loved it and so did the kids :)
5. There were lots of days and nights filled with Guitar Hero and Rock Band. I've never seen my family get so excited about music. lol.
6. We took Christian and Jacob to Dave and Buster's. Played lots of video games, ate great food and bought prizes with our tickets. (Christian used his tickets to buy his brother a present. I though this was so so so sweet).
7. We "toob"ed the river. Christian got stuck in back current, Phil had to save him. It was all pretty dramatic, but when is my life not?8. Christina turned a plastic container into a "swimming pool" for the kids in my backyard... ingenious, and yet sad at the same time.

9. I was schooled in "go fish" by Trevis. That kid is definitely a smarty pants and know how to win Go Fish.

10. All the while, I was studying, going to school, and loving having my family so close.


And some other cool things we did without the fam:

Lila came into Fort Hood. I was able to go see her beautiful self for a bit :)

We went us to Austin and ate BBQ out of an old school bus. It was pretty amazing.We went to Dallas Cowboys training camp. Phil was pretty excited about this :)
After everyone left, Phil and I shampooed the carpets (because of the dogs, not the people). AMAZING! I LOVE clean carpets. Then it was lots of studying to catch up in my classes. But it was worth it. i finished my testing and am now getting to enjoy having just Phil and I in the house. It's been great.

On the wedding front. The wedding coordinator quoted some OUTRAGEOUS prices for invitations and flowers/decorations, so we figured since the wedding was so far away, we should do some of it ourselves. I designed the invitations and am so proud of them! They even have a pocketfold. Plus! I have some great plans for decorations :) I am so glad that I am getting to use my creativity and that we are saving so much money! It gives me a sense of accomplishment. I LOVE IT!

On the med school front. I have class 8-12 or 8-3. it depends on the day and the subject matter. the time I'm not in class I'm studying, or cleaning, or trying to workout. We just finished the General Concepts module which was pretty much everything that didn't fit in any other module and have now moved onto Respiratory. It's exhausting sitting in class for that long, but, my tailbone is healing and slowly but surely I am able to sit for longer and longer. There a definitely days when I HATE repeating. But those are few and far between and are mostly when I have to go perform exams on the same standardized patients as last year.


And I will leave you with such a great video. Here's what Katie does when she hears a siren. LOL. Love it!